Dear Frank,

Tonight I settled in to watch a movie with Mitzi. I had my blanket tucked, remote in hand and the screen suddenly went black. A giant FBI message appeared, the kind written in a font that suggests sirens.

“FBI ANTI-PIRACY WARNING

FEDERAL LAW PROVIDES SEVERE CIVIL AND CRIMINAL PENALTIES…”

And just like that, I began to perspire. My pulse went up. I had the sudden sensation that someone, somewhere, was onto me, though for what crime, I had no idea. I don’t download anything, I don’t hack anything, I don’t stream anything suspicious, or even jaywalk with confidence.

But that warning stared me down as if I were the reason it was created. Mitzi looked up from her blanket with the calm of a dog who has never feared prosecution. She opened one eye and her whole face looked like “ugh, what is it now?” She saw my distress, sat up and peered around, ears up, asking “what IS it?”   

Eventually I came to my senses: This warning appears before every movie in America.

It wasn’t a custom threat; it was simply the cinematic version of BRIDGE ICES BEFORE ROAD. It was stern, forbidding, dramatic, and addressed to absolutely everyone. Still, once the anxiety switch flips, it doesn’t flip right back. So I began mentally reviewing all the other warnings that have followed me through life… and taking them far more personally than any rational person should.

“OBJECTS IN MIRROR ARE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR.” That one always felt accusatory. As if it were really saying: “You, specifically, are much closer to this situation than you think or should be.” Or perhaps: “Jane: You should not be trusted to judge distance.” Honestly, it doesn’t take much to unsettle me.

“BRIDGE ICES BEFORE ROAD.” This, too, feels pointed. It’s essentially a sign explaining that the bridge has a mind of its own and chooses to betray drivers first. And since I have never enjoyed driving across bridges, especially tall ones, I read this as: “This bridge is ready to take you down, Jane. Please govern yourself accordingly.” Thank you, state highway department. I will.

“STROLLER IS NOT MEANT FOR THE CHILD TO BE LEFT IN WHILE RUNNING.” I saw this years ago and thought: Who? Who is running and leaving the child behind? Are they saying “Please do not abandon your child mid-sprint”?  And immediately I wondered if someone, somewhere, imagined me doing it. Which I would not. But warnings make me suspicious of my own thoughts.

And then, the final blow: “DO NOT USE HAIR DRYER WHILE SLEEPING.” This one sent me over the edge. Sleeping? Not showering, not standing in water, but sleeping. I suddenly sat upright on the sofa, because for the first time that evening I felt genuinely exposed. I pictured a committee of safety experts writing this label with one woman in mind, and somehow that woman was me. I looked around. And then, the confession surfaced. Years ago, in my very own bedroom located in our lovely home situated at the edge of UT Austin’s campus (you know – near San Jacinto and Duval, where there’s now a Tower Record instead of the Tower Drugs), I did fall asleep with my hair halfway dry. It was one of those bonnet hairdryers that took forever. And I now see that this may have placed me on a watchlist. Who was watching through the window?  

So tonight, as the FBI warning glowed at the beginning of my movie, I whispered a small, repentant prayer: “Lord, if that’s what they meant… I am sorry.” Mitzi blinked at me, a dog who has never obeyed a single warning label in her life, and gave me a look that translated to:

You are forgiven. Please watch the movie.  So I did. Thank goodness she was there to console me, right Frank? 
Love,

Jane