Welcome to “Ask Frank & Jane”, a lighthearted advice column where domestic dilemmas are considered carefully, and usually from inside a colander. 

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Dear Frank & Jane,

During a family holiday gathering, I found myself happily occupied with setting and decorating the table: candles, linens, china, silver, and all, while my sister-in-law was in the kitchen with the others. She was making the dressing and I assumed this meant dressing, as in cornbread dressing (of course).

Instead, she took confident possession of the kitchen and began preparing “stuffing.” What’s that, even? And with oysters!  “Oh my,” I muttered to myself.

She tied on her apron and consulted her list, proceeding with great focus and enthusiasm and I continued with my table settings: a lovely combo of Fitz & Floyd dinner plates combined with Imari salad plates, Mother’s silverware, and Grandmother’s goblets, all atop a lusciously embroidered tablecloth depicting The Twelve Days of Christmas. To top it all off, I began putting out my little hand-painted place cards, thoughtfully placing each one according to an arrangement I felt would seat guests next to someone they might enjoy visiting with or getting to know a little better. 

Before long, my sister-in-law entered the dining room in her usual flurry, paused, and took in the table. After a moment she asked, “Did you mean to do this?” I replied, “Uh huh. I did.” She nodded and said, “That won’t quite work. Couples need to be together,” and then gathered up the cards and began placing them accordingly.

At that point, I stepped back. The oysters continued their plan of culinary inclusion/intrusion, and the couples were reunited. I suppose I’d like advice on whether there is a graceful response when both the menu and the seating chart develop strong opinions.

Fondly,

Missing the Cornbread

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Frank would like it noted that he was not consulted about oysters. At the mere mention of “stuffing with oysters,” he slid dramatically off the countertop, landed in a colander for safety, and is now seated there with a single pretzel from the bowl of trash mix, observing the situation in silence. He has adjusted his posture to one of deep concern. 

Frank believes that when lists are consulted and eyeglasses are lowered, it is best to remain still and say very little. He recommends love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and above all, in these circumstances, self-control, and not attempting to introduce cornbread to the mix. It’s all going to work out.  

However, Frank will remain in the colander until further notice.

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Jane replies:

Dear Missing the Cornbread,

Frank has now found it necessary to wedge himself in a damp sponge for comfort as he further contemplates the issue. He insists this is not about the oysters, nor the place cards, though clearly, it is. What you encountered was a classic case of Holiday Role Confusion, a condition that often appears suddenly and is usually accompanied by aprons and handwritten notes.

You handled it beautifully. You set the table, you made the cards, and you stepped back when the moment called for it. And while couples do manage to find each other again after dinner (sometimes quite naturally) there is clearly comfort in keeping track of one’s partner, their chair, their napkin, and their immediate conversational commitments.

Frank would like to interrupt to say that the couples are seated, the oysters are advancing, and he remains atop the sponge for observational purposes. He is eating a piece of celery stuffed with pimiento cheese and suggests you do the same.

Warmly,

Jane

(Jane adds, helpfully, because she can’t quite help herself: traditional dinner-party etiquette often suggests seating couples apart to encourage conversation with others, though, like most good rules, this one is happily optional and best applied with a sense of humor.)

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P. S. Frank has since relocated to the vicinity of the Christmas tree, where he is unwrapping a candy cane and monitoring with a side-eye all seafood-related developments. “Don’t worry,” he says, “this is why dessert exists.” 😉