Embracing the Good and the Bad
Susan David, Ph.D., an award-winning psychologist on the faculty of Harvard Medical School, co-founder and co-director of the Institute of Coaching at McLean Hospital, spoke a powerful Ted Talk message recently — see and hear it here —
It’s about being our authentic selves in the face of a society that wants us to think and feel and speak positively, no matter the situation.
I believe her’s to be such a good message. Experiencing and acknowledging life’s difficulties for what they are adds richness and health. What does that mean? It means that allowing ourselves to fully claim and experience the negative, stressful times — sadness, failure and disappointment, we actually add a powerful dimension to our lives. Teaching this to our children and grandchildren can be a gift that will give them a lifetime of clarity, honest self-awareness and assurance.
Not only is it valuable to experience those feelings but I believe it’s beneficial to feel free to express them to others. We deposit into our personal account the bad and the ugly along with the beautiful and bright. We become millionaires by owning that myriad of experiences, both positive and negative.
Hiding behind a facade of constant positivity can erode our sense of who we are and how we feel.It can keep us from learning how to truly be at ease with ourselves when things aren’t “rosy”.
“ When we push aside normal emotions to embrace false positivity, we lose our capacity to develop skills to deal with the world as it is, not as we wish it to be.” – Susan David
Disallowing yourself the difficult emotions — hiding them, stuffing them, or making a pretty package of them and putting a bow on it, denies you the opportunity to take advantage of all this world offers, to be full and whole with knowledge and understanding of what’s real, around and about you.
A somewhat simplistic example of how to miss out on all the rich colors in our lives, including the dark ones, is the story of a friend of mine in Paraguay who told me that she didn’t like violin music. She scrunched up her nose, made a face and said she refuses to listen to violin music at all. My first reaction: what a funky thing to say to the violinist at your church; however, it was not an uncommon occurrence there, to experience the blunt comments made from the heart, not in an unkind way, but definitely real, and it was somewhat refreshing!
Of course, I delved to find out why, since violin and viola are my passion and all their sounds are so lovely and impactful, in my opinion. She said it made her sad. The sound is mournful. (At that moment, I didn’t go into naming the happy, lilting, joyful sounds those instruments can make). I did know what she meant. I replied to her that I believe experiencing those more somber sounds to be a good thing. Heart-rending, melancholic, emotion-filled music speaks to the soul like nothing else can. I encouraged her to listen and feel the emotions, cry when she felt like it and allow her heart to break when the music pushed it over the edge.
In my view, it is indeed good to think positively; however, our life’s bank account can be full to overflowing if we can simultaneously and realistically embrace sadness, hardship, discomfort, stress, failure, misfortune as part of life’s rich experiences.
It’s my belief that God is with us through the good and the bad, the dark and the light, the small things, the big things, the day and the night, the negative and the positive. Trusting in that, resting in that knowledge, we can embrace and speak realistically about what there is to be seen, heard and felt in our everyday lives – both the positive and the negative— the full spectrum — so that we don’t miss out on a single thing life has to offer.
