Welcome to Ask Frank & Jane, a lighthearted advice column where Jane offers practical advice and Frank quietly complicates everything.

 

Dear Frank and Jane,

Our church has celebrated one beautiful wedding after another. And in my position as Wedding Guild Director, I have a question. At what point does being aware of too many things at once become an occupational hazard? I’m asking because I don’t remember anyone mentioning that my peripheral vision would become a full-time ministry.

 

On a wedding day, I notice everything. I notice if the groom has wandered out of the sacristy. I notice if the bride hasn’t yet arrived. I notice if a grandmother has quietly reseated herself because she didn’t want to inconvenience anyone. I notice if someone opens a door that was supposed to stay closed.

 

People frequently tell me, “You look so calm.” I always thank them. Is calm simply what twenty simultaneous thoughts look like from the outside, or is there a point at which Wedding Guild Coordinators should be issued reflective safety vests, whistles, and the license to herd well-dressed adults back to where they were five minutes ago?

Sincerely,

Seeking Serenity

 

Jane writes:

Dear Seeking,

My dear, I looked up the definition of coordinator and it appears that their work is to handle a task with many moving parts, in a manner that handles the situation in the best way possible. You’re simply telling everyone where to sit, stand, wait, and when to breathe. That’s the only way to coordinate a smoothly orchestrated wedding and therefore seems perfectly reasonable.

 

However, I think your work would become much easier if everyone were assigned a number upon arrival, one large enough to read from a comfortable distance. I’d suggest sticking these numbers directly to the forehead for best visibility. That way, instead of asking, “Has anyone seen the groom?” you could simply ask, “Would someone please send Number 4 back to the sacristy?” Likewise, if Number 12 wandered into the bride’s room, everyone would immediately know whom to retrieve. If anyone objects to being assigned a number, you could explain that it is only temporary and has absolutely nothing to do with their value as a person.

 

(Frank is writing from a temporary observation station in the back pew. Spread around him are a church floor plan covered with careful notes, 8–10 boutonnieres, a stopwatch, binoculars, two measuring tapes, and several six-foot flags in various colors. He explains that he is “very close to a breakthrough.”)

 

Frank writes:
Dear Serenity,

I was delighted to read Jane’s recommendation. Numbering people is an excellent beginning. However, I believe the system could be strengthened considerably with the addition of flags. Not little flags, tall ones. Six feet seems about right. Visibility is important.

 

The groom should be issued a tall blue flag while waiting in the sacristy. If he begins to suspect the wedding has proceeded without him, he may raise it gently out the doorway, toward the guests. Not wave it. Simply raise it.

(Frank hops quickly to the sacristy and demonstrates this twice, apparently for accuracy.)

 

The Lead Coordinator should carry a white flag. When the wedding party is assembled, the grandparents are seated, the ushers are where they belong, no one has wandered into the bride’s room, and it’s time to begin, she may raise the white flag for the organist. For the coordinator, it’s a white flag of surrender; for the organist, she will know that civilization continues to exist.

 

I also recommend an orange Retrieval Flag. Occasionally one of the coordinators becomes convinced that she has discovered a better plan and quietly moves towards implementation. A few minutes later, no one knows where she is. Should she discover she has become temporarily separated from the wedding, she need only raise the orange flag above the shrubbery. The Lead Coordinator will spot her almost immediately and dispatch a pleasant volunteer in her direction.

 

(Frank, sitting Indian-style in the center aisle, appears to be adding color-coded flags to the church property map.)

 

I feel that every church should have an Official Green Flag which would be raised at the beginning of every rehearsal and every wedding. The Green Flag simply indicates that the priest and Wedding Guild have given careful thought to the procedures that will guide the day. Everyone may then relax and devote their full attention to carrying them out. This would allow everyone to enjoy the ceremony with considerably less last-minute innovation.

 

(Frank is now, with great importance, measuring the distance from the back pew to the sacristy with one of his tape measures. He appears pleased with the results.)

 

I have one final observation. The purpose of all these numbers and flags is to free everyone from:

1. having to think about where they should be, so

2. they can enjoy why they are there.  

Guests are considerably more relaxed when the persons quietly directing the entire operation have created such a sense of peace.

 

(Frank removes his binoculars, folds the church floor plan with great satisfaction, and looks up as though he has solved something of enormous importance.)

 

If everything has gone well, no one will remember very much about the coordination at all. They will remember the wedding. Of course, if they do happen to remember the six-foot flags, we may need to make them slightly less noticeable.